Love me.

Taiga was in love with Hokuto.

As the sound of hushed conversations and ringing office phones surrounded him, Taiga watched the profile that evaded him time and time again.

“Good morning.”

“...”

The smile he shared wasn't returned as the view of those eyes that never met his turned away, leaving Taiga to only watch his broad back as he walked away in silence.

He was in love with him, but it wasn't a love that would come true.

Hokuto didn't hate him.

No, Taiga wouldn't say that. After all, love was much closer to hate and it couldn't have been anything near to love.

It was just simply indifference.

Hokuto had joined the company only a few months ago. He had a good resume and repertoire, but aside from that, he was nothing but a particularly pretty face. Their work rarely intersected but the rutted pathway from the entrance, to the elevator, to their desks often collided.

From the first day, Taiga always said good morning.

From the first day, Taiga only received silence.

It didn't take long to learn that Hokuto was someone who kept to himself and only let a few friends close. There was something that made him odd in the way that he was so simple. His coffee was taken with half a pack of sugar and only a splash of creamer. His lunches were small and balanced with a side of rice. His work was efficient and completed quietly by himself before going straight home right when business hours were over.

He was just simply the definition of someone who was the human median of his age. Hokuto was so naturally human that it was magnetic. With a face like that, Taiga would have assumed he would have at least a drop of arrogance in his blood, but he bowed his head and spoke humbly like the rest of them. His blood was red like the rest of them.

Hokuto was strangely interesting. At first, that's all he was. An interesting human who would never say good morning.

It was only once Taiga got a glance behind Hokuto’s hardened shell that it all began to fall apart.

“... Thank you. For the other day.”

Taiga thought he was seeing visions when Hokuto first spoke to him, because the Matsumura Hokuto he knew never spoke to him.

It wasn't even his choice to help complete the document Hokuto couldn't when he suddenly fell sick. It was only after instructions from their office leader that he opened it at all. He wouldn't have even been the first to raise his hand to offer help.

Hokuto didn't have to thank him. It wasn't the first time his efforts were thankless and it wouldn't be the last. But here Hokuto was, lowering his head in front of him, and before Taiga could say “you're welcome”, he was gone.

It felt like he saw something he shouldn't have, something Hokuto guarded so close to himself that he somehow saw for just a brief moment. It was something so stupidly simple. It was just words of gratitude with no flourish or exaggeration. It was comparable to a breath of air from his chest. It was nothing. Yet, from Hokuto, Taiha couldn't have ever imagined it. It was just a thank you. That was it.

But, as Taiga turned back to the screen of his computer, his face was hot and his heart was pounding.

It didn't make sense. Taiga didn't understand it either, but something inside him made him want to peek behind that curtain again. Most people would give up after being ignored just once, but Taiga persisted like a mad man. Repeating the same process over and over in hopes for something different, only to receive the same result day after day.

“Good morning.”

“...”

A normal heterosexual man wouldn't think of another male cohort this much. While Taiga wasn't exactly heterosexual, he at least believed himself to be normal. He had a policy that he had long set for himself to never chase what didn't stay, and he had kept that policy for almost twelve years now. He never got attached to anything that didn't reciprocate. It saved him from a lot of heartbreak and wasted time.

But his eyes couldn't stop following the man with the cool dark eyes and the face that grew more handsome with each passing day.

“Aren't you in love?”

“... Huh?”

The piercing eyes that peeked past the rim of a beer stein sank deeper into him than Taiga expected.

Juri glanced down at his expensive watch. The simple gesture, whether intentional or not, made Taiga begin to realize just how long he had been talking about a man he didn't even directly work with.

All he could do was let out a nervous laugh.

“What?... No! N-no, it's not like that. That's not possi—”

“But it is possible.”

“...”

Juri lowered his glass with a sigh.

“Kyomo, he’s all you talk about.”

The setting was a bar table on the side of their monthly office “team building” dinner. Really, it was just a drinking party in disguise with the underlying motive of opening up the dating pool. If they weren't coming to drink, then they came to freely talk to whoever caught their eye without the heels and ties.

Taiga didn't join often, but it was good for a few free drinks and avoiding the center of the excitement allowed them to have decently private conversations.

But now, Taiga was wondering if he should have just stayed home.

“What the hell, Juri?...” He tried to laugh it off. “Is it really that big of a deal? I just think he's interesting.”

His friend rolled his eyes, swallowing his drink.

“Is that really all?”

“O-of course! He's your friend, isn't he? Don't you also find him interesting?”

“I do, but Kyomo. That's the thing. He is my friend. Can you tell me when you've even talked to him?”

As much as he wished he could, Taiga couldn't.

After all, all their conversations had been heavily one-sided if they could be called conversations at all.

Juri nudged his knee with his foot under the low table. “Hey Kyomo, I'm not trying to bully you or anything, okay?”

Taiga blinked as Juri took his hand, his fingers still cool and damp from his drink.

“I know you don't like to self-reflect much, but I really suggest you do.”

The late night walk home was cold and quiet.

Even the chattering and clinking of glasses from the surrounding bar district fell on deaf ears as Taiga tried to think about anything but his own feelings.

He didn't want to be in love with Hokuto and the reason why was obvious, wasn't it?

There was no point in placing bets on something with zero percent chances. There was no reason asking a mountain to move. There was no hope in falling in love with someone who wouldn't even spare him a “good morning”.

It was purposeless and bore no future, like an old car with an empty tank with nowhere to go.

He couldn't be in love with Hokuto.

At home, Taiga sunk into his bath, the buzz from his drinks still humming in his head as the heat seeped into his skin.

What a joke.

Besides his good looks, what was so good about him anyway?

His quiet nature? His almost meticulous morning routine? His poor immune system? His habit of overworking?

His antisocial personality? His awkwardness around clients? His stiff smile when he's nervous? His real smile when he laughs?

His restrained joy when he's praised?

His subtle but pleased expression when he's noticed?

His cute raised voice when he was excited?

His smooth deep voice when he was calm?

His white canines in his smile Taiga had only seen once by chance?

“......”

Taiga let his head sink under the water.

He wished he could have simply drowned then as his breath bubbled to the surface.

He didn't want to be in love with Hokuto.

All it was good for was breaking his heart.

And as Taiga let the water fill his ears and let the bubbles stop, he self reflected.

And his heart broke.

Hokuto didn't love him.

Hokuto wouldn't love him. It was foolish to expect affection from someone who wouldn't even share with him two words that a stranger was more likely to share first.

He felt like an idiot, letting that one little interaction sway his stupid little heart into beating twice as fast.

Falling in love with anyone else would have been better, but somehow it had to be the one person that wanted nothing from him at all.

There was no point in trying. There was no need to test the waters when he already knew it was ice cold. There would be no flirting or courting with someone who already said no with their whole body.

All Taiga could do was say good morning when their paths crossed each day and for the silence to widen the cracks in his heart each time.

The usual face appeared at the side of his desk and Taiga already knew what he would ask.

It was that time of the month again and Jesse was finding who was interested in “team building”.

“Taiga, are you coming?”

He had skipped the last couple months. What happened last time left him with a bad taste. He wasn't exactly eager to return to the scene of the crime and numbing his broken heart was better in the comfort of his own home, even if it was at his own expense.

Unfortunately, Jesse had a face that was hard to say no to.

He had a chipper dog-like demeanor that made anyone want to spoil him and an innocent personality that seemed to do no wrong. His bright eyes and big smile were as magnetic as eyes and smiles could get, but still, it wasn't quite enough to beat the stirring in his stomach.

“Mmn…” Taiga hummed, turning back to his screen. “I don't know…”

He knew Jesse was pouting without looking, but it was soon confirmed when Jesse kneeled beside his desk to lean his large body forward over it to force their eyes to meet.

This man was too tall for his own good.

“It's been a while since you've come! Come on, just for a couple drinks! Juri made sure that I bugged you–”

Juri was trying to make up for what happened.

The morning after that difficult night, Taiga texted him only to admit he was right. As upset as he was, Taiga didn't hold any hard feelings and Juri didn't rub it in his face. Juri was only trying to help him face reality, regardless of how difficult it was or not. He called immediately after, not to gloat, but to apologize. He wanted to help him through his new found feelings as he brought him snacks and sweet drinks to him every so often with his usual smug smile before leaving him with a pat on his back.

With this too, Taiga knew Juri was just trying to help him. He had even sent his secret weapon named Jesse to ensure he didn't spend tonight alone. It was certainly effective. Jesse’s puppy dog eyes were lethal. He was just someone everyone wanted to please.

In tandem with Juri’s watching eyes from across the room, Taiga found himself backed into a corner.

There really wasn't anything else he could say besides yes.

“Alright… Just a couple drinks…”

As Jesse cheered in a volume much too loud for an office, he saw Juri smile at him before turning and talking to the person in the seat behind him.

He watched for a moment, waiting to see if Juri would come by after, but the second he recognized the wide back of the person he spoke to, Taiga went back to his computer.

He hated how his hearing seemed to heighten when his eyes couldn't focus on the letters and his fingers refused to type.

Hokuto never went to their drinking parties before. He didn't even really seem like the type who liked to drink. Even when Juri asked if he wanted to go, it sounded more like a joke than a question.

But in a quiet voice, Taiga could hear him reply.

“... I’ll go.”

Maybe he was wrong about Juri after all.

“He likes someone, doesn't he?”

“Why else would he be going?”

“Matsumura absolutely likes someone.”

Whispers were traveling all around the office during the days before the week’s end.

As mentioned before, the monthly team building wasn't only for drinking. It was also to socialize and meet potential partners as well and this wasn't an unusual pattern.

It started with a coworker who doesn't normally come to drink suddenly finding interest in participating. Then the next week, they're found cuddling up to the new girl on the eighth floor.

It happened often enough that no one was ever surprised when it happened. Everyone knew their motives and this was partially what these drinking parties were for, but when it was from someone as good looking as Hokuto, it was bound to cause a stir.

Every person with a chatty mouth and loose lips was talking about it. Who it could be, who it would be, if it would work out and how soon it would happen.

The circulating gossip would have made Taiga more upset, but he was too busy trying to find a way out.

When he told Juri he wouldn't go anymore, that he felt sick, that he suddenly had plans, that his refrigerator needed to be babysat, he just shook his head.

“No, Kyomo. You're going.”

“But–”

“I know Hokuto is going, but I promise you you won't even notice.”

“Just stay for a couple drinks then I'll let you go. I promised a couple girls you'd be there. I think it will be good for you to talk to them, even if it doesn't work out.”

“...”

“Just trust me.”

Just trust me, he said.

What was Taiga supposed to do with that?

Trust wouldn't be solving any of his problems.

He was already three drinks deep with a girl’s phone number in his pocket, but his heart didn't feel any better.

Naturally, Hokuto drew a crowd, both men and women alike, some just wanting to know him and some hoping to get a couple inches closer.

The whole time, Hokuto smiled awkwardly and refused more alcohol in the glass that didn't seem to ever empty as he seemed to be looking for something.

Perhaps someone.

Taiga could hardly hear the girl beside him talking to him.

She had a healthy bosom and shapely red lips, but he couldn't help but look past her to watch the lost look on Hokuto’s face.

“Kyomoto, your smile sure is cute, isn't it?”

Was he smiling?...

He didn't notice.

Taiga thanked her before quickly smothering his upturned lips with his drink.

This wasn't good.

He was sinking deeper.

The drinks no longer felt good in his veins.

After excusing himself and shoving the second girl’s number in his pocket, he quickly made it to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach into a toilet.

It burned in his throat as the acid stung his tongue and he gagged, tears forming in the corners of his eyes before emptying his stomach again.

Ah.

How he wished his feelings would come out with it.

He wished he could purge his emotions from his body and flush it away with water.

His tears blurred his vision as he gasped for a breath.

He wanted so badly to drain the pain from his heart and throw it all away even if it left him feeling numb after. Even if everything came up with it, at least then he wouldn't have to feel anything at all.

He wiped his lips with the back wrist and shakily stood, his hand fumbling as it went to pull the flusher.

As the water swirled, taking everything with it, his head went blank as he watched it all wash down.

Hokuto was so cute…

He looked so lost like a lost puppy.

Only if he could take that puppy home and cherish it.

If only.

If only he could—--

Taiga washed his hands before taking a mouthful of the clear water from the sink to rinse what was left of the taste of bile from his mouth.

At this point there really wasn't anything left for him to do but go home and wallow in his own self pity before burning away his weekend on nothing but simple pleasures to keep him distracted from his ongoing pain.

He would have to say goodbye, to Juri and to Jesse, excusing himself before the party went into the late night as it liked to do. He’d make it quick to keep anyone from asking any questions he wasn't really willing to answer. All he wanted was to get on the earliest train home. In concept, it was an easy escape plan, grab his bag and provide at least a wave or a nod to symbolize his departure to his friends before getting out the door.

With a stagger, he stumbled out of the bathroom hallway as his eyes dashed around the room, mapping out his path to his exit.

Bag. Bye. Door.

There were only three steps, all the while dodging the chatter boxes that’d surely drag him back in, saying things like “hey, just one more drink!” or “where are you going? Let's talk for a while!”.

Bag. Bye. Door.

Easy.

The corner where his bag sat was still rather empty, designated for the quiet drinkers. Shouldn't have been a problem. Juri, unless he had been pulled away, would be hovering around there too. It would be killing two birds with one stone.

Taiga could already taste the flavor of fresh fall air outside.

He went to his table, the woman from before long gone as he collapsed onto all fours, crawling on the tatami flooring towards his briefcase that was set against the wall next to his corner seat. His slippers fell off his feet while his knees and palm sank into the thin seat cushions as his vision began to twist from the exertion.

He was drunker than he thought. His body was failing on him as he barely brushed the silver clasps of his bag with his fingers. He gave in, sitting properly in his spot, grabbing his bag and suit jacket from the hook before downing the last gulps in his cup and a large portion of his water.

Step one was done. Now onto step two.

But even before step two could start, his blurry eyes caught the person sitting across from him.

So maybe he was way drunker than he thought.

Hokuto didn't seem to notice he was even there. His eyes were downcast into his half empty drink as Taiga stared straight into them, despite the wobbling of the world around him.

His vision was focused on that gaze that evaded him like everything else wasn't spinning, especially when their eyes met for a moment that felt like forever before Hokuto’s finally broke away.

Taiga’s heart was pounding for one reason or another, only making the alcohol surge through his veins as he felt every emotion all at once while he watched Hokuto’s eyes search for something or someone beyond the table they currently shared.

He felt sick. He felt dizzy. He felt enthralled but also miserable and destructive of the excitement from just a glance.

He was sinking.

At this point, what was the purpose in trying to hope for air?

“Hey, Hokuto.”

Hokuto didn't look at him.

There was no world where Taiga had expected he would.

“There’s someone here that you're interested in, right?”

What point was there in waiting for the cracks to widen when the result was always going to be the same?

Wasn't it better to rip the pieces apart like tearing off a bandage?

Hokuto was in love with someone. His eyes wouldn't have been wandering if he wasn’t.

“If you tell me, I can help you. You know, like play wingman for you.”

There was someone Hokuto wanted to see every morning.

Someone he wanted to say good morning to.

“Come on. You don't have to tell me who it is. Maybe just what you like about them,” he said, his coat and bag tangling in his arms as he folded them and leaned into the table they shared.

Whoever it was, it wasn't him.

But maybe he would at least look at him. Recognize him. Just be a sliver in his life. Maybe that'd be good enough.

Taiga saw Hokuto’s hand tighten around his glass.

“They're here, aren't they?”

Just say something. Anything.

Please.

It doesn't have to be “good morning”.

Just something to make him feel like more than just a breath of air.

“What about her did you fall in love with?”

Taiga blinked when Hokuto abruptly stood up and left his seat.

Seconds later, he could hear the distant chime and shutting of the bar door past the ringing in his ears.

His gaze was trained on the spot where Hokuto once was, now empty with only the off white wall to stare at him back.

This is how things were.

This is how they would be.

No amount of effort would ever make it change.

Taiga continued with step two and step three despite the worried look Juri gave him as he said goodbye. Unfortunately, the fresh air outside didn't taste good while everything inside him was strangling him as he began his walk home.

“You're the last person I'd tell that to.”

Taiga repeated the words that came from Hokuto’s mouth as he left.

Those words were the only thing Hokuto had ever said to him outside of work since he said thank you so long ago.

Taiga rubbed at his eyes that began to sting, but he couldn't help but laugh at the fact he was just the slightest bit happy that Hokuto had spoken to him at all.

“Ahh… Fuck…” he cursed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don't cry, you pathetic bastard… You're still a man, aren't you?”

That was right. He was still a man. Though, he doubted that even if he was born a different gender, Hokuto wouldn't love him then either.

He should have drank more.

Though alcohol wouldn't fix his problems, at least it would have dulled the pain of his heart finally breaking in two.

“Oof–!”

A shoulder collided into him, pushing his unsteady feet over.

Taiga couldn't really blame him for not apologizing. It was really his fault for drowning in his heartbreak so much to not even look up from his shoes.

He was falling, his body unable to balance itself before giving in and embracing for impact. The wooden fence along the sidewalk would catch him, at least.

… But for some reason he was still falling.

What he thought his shoulder would hit would be solid wood, but instead, he tumbled against cold hard cobbled stone.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. It was painful enough that he couldn't bring himself to start getting up while his elbow and shoulder throbbed in pain.

What the hell was a rock path like this even doing in the middle of the city?... He had walked this path plenty of times before and all he could remember on this block was a plain stretch of rotting wooden fence.

What did this path even lead to? Was it a new park? It couldn't be a temple. Whatever it was, its placement was odd, set between two skyscrapers. To find out, he had to finally raise himself from the cold ground.

Taiga rubbed his nose, nudging his glasses back into place as he raised his head to find what laid at the end of the path he quite literally stumbled upon.

At his age, Taiga really thought there wasn't much left that could surprise him anymore.

But he really couldn't ever say with full honesty that he expected to see an ornate house with paper sliding doors.

To say that he was drawn in would have been an understatement. It was like his body was moving for him as he got to his feet to walk down the rest of the rock path to open the red paneled door.

When it opened, there was the immediate smell of incense and tobacco. It burned Taiga’s nose and only grew stronger as he made his way further in. In the night, only stained glass lanterns and carefully placed candles led his way through the narrow halls that were filled with clutter to the ceiling.

Of course, this was someone's home. And currently, he was intruding on it in the middle of the night.

But the woman laid across an antique velvet couch smiled at him like she knew he would come.

“Welcome.”

Her voice was as smooth as the smoke that left her lips. Taiga was completely speechless as he stood before her with the white sleeve of his dress shirt a complete mess.

The long thin pipe parted from her mouth with a soft puff as she smiled, throwing her long black hair over her shoulder.

“You're here for something, right?”

Finally, Taiga stammered.

“N-no, I'm sorry, I just—”

“Only the people who need to enter my shop may enter.”

She stood from her seat, the fabric of her long kimono draped on her thin frame falling like waterfalls to the floor as she smoothly cut him off before repeating herself again.

This time, a statement. Not a question.

“You're here for something,” she smiled.

“There's something you desire, more than anything. In here.”

Her long nail pressed into the center of his chest.

If the alcohol wasn't making his head spin, then all of this was. It was like a hallucination. He wasn't sure if this was all happening as he stared at her ruby colored lips, but the painful throbbing in arm was real. The push of her finger against his heart she read right into was real.

Everything was happening all at once.

“I–”

“It's okay, Kyomoto Taiga. I already know,” her chuckle making his heart jump with the velvety sound of his name on her tongue.

“And I have what you need.”

An elixir.

A concoction.

A potion.

A love potion.

The almost mockingly simple blue bottle rolled in his palm with the rocking of the train as he stared at it in his hand.

There really was no reason not to take it, though there were equally as few reasons for why he should have. It was mysterious and questionable in its existence but all that was requested in payment was his signature on a sign board the woman somehow already had ready.

He had asked if she was tricking him into some secret contract but she laughed so heartily Taiga almost felt stupid for asking. She refuted his doubts though when still enquired about his signature’s value, all she said was in another dimension, it was priceless.

So he took home what was said to be a love potion, although the contents were questionable at best. It could have been anything from poison to water that was just infused with the scent of unique herbs and spices. By all reason, it was more likely a scam than truly a potion that would make the drinker fall in love.

Yet, she knew too much. His name. His desires. His love…

Unless it was just fantastic social engineering, there was no reason to believe it was anything short of something mystical.

She even took a nip of it herself to show it wasn't poison before saying that all of it had to be drunk at once to work.

Ever since then, Taiga told himself it was best to just leave it somewhere sitting at home.

But for the last week, it made its way into his bag, rolling around at the bottom of his briefcase or in the palm of his hand when he had too much spare time.

Would it really work?... The woman had near nothing to gain from lying to him to hand him nothing more than water. Taiga wasn't sure if he really had the guts to even slip it into Hokuto’s drink. It would probably be better if he had just thrown it away the night he received it.

But what if it did?

Maybe this was the solution to mending his broken heart. Maybe Hokuto really would start falling in love with him. Just the thought of that made him feel giddy in a way that made him ashamed.

Being loved by Hokuto felt so unattainable, but the simple blue bottle was like a key to a box Taiga believed would always be locked.

It stayed in his hand as he got off at his station and went to work. He was a little early and other employees had only just started filing in, leaving him alone in the elevator as the doors began to close.

Today was going to be just like all the others and like all the weeks before.

He would cross paths with Hokuto and say good morning for no response.

Cha–tunk!!

“Ugh—--”

When Taiga looked up, he saw half of a man’s body caught between the closing doors. The loud buzzing of the warning alarms spurred Taiga’s panic as he jolted to the series of buttons and hit open.

“I'm sorry, are you okay??” He asked, holding the button down as the doors lurched before finally retreating.

In response, he only heard a muffled cough and a quiet wheeze as the man stumbled in.

“I'm fine, thank you–. Do you mind pressing floor thirty six?”

“Floor thirty six? Well I also–”

““Ah.””

The moment they recognized who each other were, the room went silent, leaving only the rumble and clank of the elevator closing them inside together.

Around the time the digital panel showed they were passing floor six, Taiga finally spoke.

“... Good morning…”

“...”

The lift ride wasn't exactly short, but right now, it felt unbearably long.

Usually their one sided interactions were in passing and brief, but after what had happened last week, Hokuto’s extended presence burned at his side like a radiating wave.

It was horribly quiet with the two of them standing at an awkwardly appropriate distance. It probably would have been better to have looked at his phone or made some casual gesture to break the tension, but Taiga couldn't move a muscle.

What was he supposed to say to the person he yearned for who had so openly rejected him?

How was his heart supposed to feel?

These quiet greetings five times a week were supposed to be his solace for his stupid little crush, but now it was slowly crushing him.

“- Cough cough— cough –”

The rough sound brought Taiga out of his thoughts.

When he looked over, he found Hokuto with his shoulders scrunched and his fist over his masked mouth.

“---- Cough-cough –...”

Before he knew it was Hokuto running to the door, Taiga remembered hearing strained breaths and a painful sounding cough before jamming the open button. He had forgotten after the realization of who it was, but now that it had started again, it brought the memory back to him.

Hokuto wasn't well.

It was normal for anyone to wear a mask for whatever reason for their personal health or prevention, but this was certainly something that was persistent.

Taiga watched as Hokuto began digging through his bag as his chest continued to force coughs out from his throat. It sounded so painful, Taiga couldn't help but wince as a particularly difficult one nearly winded him after giving up on finding whatever he was looking for.

“... Are you okay?”

Hokuto cleared his throat, but his voice was still raspy as he spoke.

“... Yeah–... It's just a cough…”

It didn't sound just like a cough…

“Are you sure?... It sounds bad, you should go home and–”

Hokuto shook his head. He held out his hand to keep the distance between them that Taiga didn't dare to close. That stung a little, but everything stung at the moment.

“No. I'm fine, Kyomoto. Really.”

“I just… need something to drink…”

Something to drink.

Drink.

The bottle.

The bottle was still in his hand.

The indicator light continued to flash, the number rising as they grew closer to their destination, where once the door opened, they would part and not speak until who knows when.

What would happen if Taiga gave this bottle to him? What would happen after he drank its contents?

Taiga had so many questions with no answers, but with all of them sounding off in his head all at once, it made an empty silence in his mind as he held out his hand, the blue bottle in his fingers.

“Here.”

Hokuto blinked as the elevator pinged again, another floor passing.

“What is this?...”

“... Cough medicine,” Taiga lied. “The label was peeling so I just took it off. I thought I had an itch this morning but it went away.”

It was too late to take it back now.

He was blindly charging forward without another thought, being pushed by the narrowing window of opportunity and the impulse of his overwhelmed thoughts.

Taiga had made his choice, and he just prayed to God he wouldn't regret it as Hokuto took the bottle with a small bow.

“... Thanks.”

It was quite literally out of his hands as he watched Hokuto remove the cap after lowering his mask.

Taiga didn't know what would happen.

Would Hokuto suddenly cling to him like love potions worked in cartoons? Would hearts appear in his eyes before suddenly professing his sudden affection?

There was no way, right?

More likely than anything, it would be nothing.

Nothing would happen.

And nothing was what precisely happened as Hokuto cleared his subtly soothed throat with a now empty bottle in his hands.

The elevator chimed, announcing they had reached their floor when Hokuto bowed, thanking him again before exiting the open doors, taking the bottle with him.

Well, Taiga couldn't really say he was expecting anything.

Things like magic and love potions didn't actually exist.

All the glitz and glamour of the store was certainly just all a setup to make the façade that much more convincing before just selling lies and false hopes to attract the gullible back inside again.

The bottle was now gone like it had never existed in the first place. It shouldn't have existed in the first place.

There was no potion or spell that would make Hokuto fall in love with him.

Hokuto wouldn't ever fall in love with him.

That's just how the way things were and how they would stay.

“Um…”

Taiga didn't turn around at first because he didn't think he really heard it.

It took a moment before he spun around in his seat. He thought his ears were just playing tricks on him, only to find the same little blue bottle before him.

It had been just over a week since he had last seen it and he really never expected to see it again.

Though, what was more unbelievable was that Hokuto was standing there in front of him, the bottle tight in his hands.

“... Hm?... H-huh–??”

Reality was catching up with Taiga as he scrambled to place the papers stacked in his lap onto his desk.

“Sorry… Are you busy?... I can come back later–” Hokuto started to say, watching Taiga frantically sort his things before Taiga quickly replied.

“No! No— it's fine, you just caught me off guard. It's fine—”

He looked so pathetic, trying to pretend like his desk and his papers weren't always this disorganized. Not that it really mattered. It wasn't like Hokuto hadn't seen it before, but this was the first time he spared him more than just a few words unprompted.

His hands were as panicked as his mind while he tried to straighten out papers before turning back to him, realizing that making everything look neat would probably outlast whatever little patience he assumed Hokuto had for him.

Taiga tried to smile but it was hard to ignore the bottle in Hokuto’s hand.

It was normal to think that it would have been at the bottom of a pile of trash by now, but somehow, it was still here, almost taunting him as it reminded him of his weakest moment.

“Uh–...” Taiga stammered. “... Did you need something?...”

To his surprise, Hokuto shook his head.

“No… I just um…”

Hokuto’s nail ran over the ridges of the black cap.

“I just… wanted to say… thank you… again.”

Ah, so it was just like before. Just like the day Taiga got a peek behind the three-story wall Hokuto put between the two of them.

Just a polite thank you to a colleague before it went back to silence.

Taiga smiled, trying to mask the bitterness behind it as he looked down at their shoes. “It's nothing. I'm just glad to see you're feeling better.”

“Don’t worry about it. You can go back to work and—”

“Kyomoto.”

His eyes darted up when the usually quiet Hokuto spoke over him.

… Was this the first time their eyes ever truly met?...

Even during their half glances, Taiga rarely got to see the eyes that hid behind those round frames.

They were narrow and graceful as he had always expected. It made Taiga’s heart jump into his throat as he realized just how many details he never saw, from their sharp shape and his long lashes.

His lips, too, were beautiful. They were full and wonderfully plump with a beauty mark on the corner that emphasized its shapeliness with a flourish. Everything on Hokuto’s face was a masterpiece. They even moved gorgeously as they showed his straight teeth and timid behavior in his speech.

Wait.

Were his lips moving?

Taiga blinked, realizing he hadn't heard a single word Hokuto said.

“Uh—... Sorry… What was that? I just got distracted with a thought.” Taiga tried to laugh it off. “What did you say?”

Hokuto grasped the bottle tightly.

“I… I was just asking…”

Geez.

“... If you wanted to have dinner.”

Even the way his lips shyly pursed was cute…

“As a way for me to say thanks…”

He had only ever been able to see his canines from far away. Up close, they were somehow charming.

… Wait. What?

“... Dinner?”

Taiga said his thoughts out loud as Hokuto nervously adjusted his glasses on his perfectly straight nose.

“Y-yes… Of course, um… only if you want to–”

Taiga replied quickly, his words catching in his mouth. “Yeah–! Uh– yeah–... yes… I'd like to go…”

“Is after work okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.”

All Taiga could stammer out was different forms of saying yes. Despite his scattered mind and intense confusion, he knew he would have been crazy to say anything but yes. He would take any moment to have with Hokuto. Dinner, lunch, breakfast, even just to grab coffee would have been fine though he hated the taste.

If Hokuto served him a cup of the most bitter of black coffee, Taiga would have drank and savored every drop of it if it meant spending time with him.

The dark and heavy feeling he had been carrying deep in his heart suddenly had a spark of life, making his chest feel lighter as Hokuto nodded before leaving.

He was happy. He was very happy to have just one chance to become closer to Hokuto, but he was equally as baffled as he watched Hokuto walk away.

Was he dreaming? Was this even real? In the reality Taiga lived in, Hokuto told him almost a month ago he was the last person he wanted to speak to.

So what happened?

It couldn't have been just because of some cough medicine…

As Hokuto rounded the corner to return to his desk, Taiga saw the small blue bottle slip into his pocket.

Taiga blinked as he swore he could suddenly smell that thick scent of incense again.

The potion.

It couldn't have worked, right?

… Right?...

Taiga thought for a moment he would drown from his mouth full of water.

The place Hokuto had booked was surprisingly nice. When Taiga imagined dinner with a coworker, he thought of maybe a casual cafe or small but tasty restaurant where the wait time was short. Of course, Taiga would have been okay with anything, but white table cloths and moody lighting was not what he expected.

For someone who seemed like the last thing he desired to do was speak to him, their conversation was shockingly smooth. Though it was quiet at first, once the ice was broken about some random topic about work, it progressed quite naturally even after they sat down and received their food.

Their interests were somehow quite similar, the music they listened to and the movies they've seen or the comics they’ve read. It was pleasant. Hokuto seemed to be having a good time too. His initial stiffness gradually melted away as they talked and his stories slowly became longer. He even smiled.

For the time being, it made Taiga’s heart feel light and careless with the help of a couple sips of red wine.

After tonight, maybe things would continue to progress. But it was equally as possible that this was where it both started and ended.

Taiga took his water after they both decided to skip on dessert in favor of the check.

It was almost over with uncertain endings, but Taiga knew that today, he had fun. He'd treasure it for what it was, whether it continued or not.

He was satisfied, though deep inside, he knew he desired so much more.

“... Will you go out with me?...”

It was a miracle Taiga didn't spit out his water, but it instead went into his lungs. He tried not to choke and not cause a scene, but in an attempt to restrict his coughing, it only made it worse.

Hokuto jumped and rushed over to him to pat and rub his back as his eyes watered, them both waving away a concerned waiter who came to check on him. Eventually, as Taiga was once again able to breathe, Hokuto quietly apologized.

“I'm sorry, Kyomoto… I shouldn't have asked… I know it's gross and weird so it's okay,” Hokuto said, his brows knitted and his voice soft.

“I just…”

“... I like you so much… but please.”

“Just forget what I said–”

The hand on his back began to retreat.

But Taiga pulled it back with so much force, it made Hokuto flinch.

“No…”

Hokuto blinked.

“... Huh?”

“I don't want to forget…”

“Wait… Huh? Kyomoto?? Are you crying??”

Taiga didn't even realize that tears had begun falling from his eyes.

He was just so happy.

He was so happy that even as Hokuto wiped away his tears, they wouldn't stop.

“I don't want to forget because I like you too.”

The love potion.

It worked.

There wasn't really anything else Taiga could say besides that it worked.

In a matter of weeks, he and Hokuto went from hardly speaking to becoming lovers.

Things progressed slowly with just the exchange of numbers before starting to share a few meals. After Hokuto shyly asked to become closer, they started to go on proper dates.

It was so cute how nervous Hokuto was. It was clear this meant a lot to him as he stiffly stood and waited for him, wearing new glasses and an outfit that was far more stylish that Taiga’s simple clothes for their first date. They were both embarrassed for their own reasons, but it made Taiga laugh as Hokuto’s cheeks turned red before they made plans to meet next week to look for clothes together. From the everyday business suit, Taiga wouldn't have ever known how much Hokuto liked fashion. If they never started dating, he wouldn't ever have seen how Hokuto’s face lit up when he found a vintage piece he immediately fell in love with.

Without that love potion, Taiga would have never seen the way his eyes softened as he held up a sweater up to him before saying in his gentle sweet voice, “I think this suits you”.

Without it, he wouldn't have ever known what it felt like to be walked home with Hokuto’s hand interlocked with his.

It wasn't long after their first home date and their first kiss when Hokuto gave him the key to his apartment.

The weather was terrible and their plans to see the ocean were canceled, but food at home and a movie sounded just as nice.

It was easy to tell Hokuto had meticulously cleaned. Everything was virtually spotless in the eclectic but stylish home. Hokuto moved rigidly around the space, fussing over small things and desperately overworking to make sure Taiga was comfortable down to the texture of the blanket he lent him, but everything settled after Taiga took his hand and finally got him to sit down beside him.

“Everything is great as long as it's with you.”

The food was delicious. The movie was enticing and fun. Even the rain that had ruined their original plans to the beach was like a soothing melody as it fell against the apartment window.

At one point in the movie, Hokuto couldn't stop laughing. Tears welled up in his eyes as he almost doubled over, apologizing as he rewound and played the scene over and over.

“Your sense of humor is odd,” Taiga laughed as he watched what was maybe the same shot for the fifth time in a row.

Hokuto dried his eyes on his sleeve, his chuckle still in his chest. “Aren't you the odd one? You're the one who was smiling during that murder scene.”

So Hokuto had been watching him then.

“It was funny because I could see the knife was fake. You couldn't tell?”

Hokuto shook his head. “No matter what, it's more strange to smile when something is scary than to laugh when it's funny.”

Taiga pouted, and when Hokuto raised the remote to rewind again, Taiga tried to snatch it from his hand.

“Just one more time,” Hokuto said, holding it far from him.

He tried to reach over him, but it was still just out of reach.

“Come on, we can come back to it later. I want to watch the rest of the movie–”

“Just once–”

“Hokut—”

“Watch out–!”

As Taiga was leaning over Hokuto to reach for the remote, his hand lost its hold on the couch arm, making him slip.

Adrenaline pulsed through his veins, making his body hot for the split second it sensed danger, but when he opened his eyes, he only found Hokuto above him.

Neither of them paid attention to the sound of the remote clattering on the floor behind them as they stared at each other. Hokuto’s hand was still behind his neck where he had pulled Taiga in, keeping him from tumbling off the couch.

Even in the dark, Taiga could tell Hokuto’s breath was as heavy as his while neither of them moved.

It was really no surprise Taiga fell in love with him.

Even when disheveled, Hokuto was handsome in every way he described and even after a handful of dates, Taiga still found new things to fall in love with.

This time, it was the two small beauty marks next to his Cupid's bow that couldn't be seen unless they were up close.

And they got closer. And closer.

Until the soft feeling met his lips.

It was almost like it came straight out of a movie, the two of them in the dark with only the sound of rain and the movie left on pause only so they could take in more of each other.

Though the one thing movies got wrong was that fireworks didn't come from the first kiss.

They came from the second.

The second kiss, Taiga was able to kiss him back as sparks and stars exploded in his chest. They sparkled and burned as Taiga moved his arm that was thrown over the couch arm rest to slowly cup the back of Hokuto’s neck to share their third.

Taiga could feel Hokuto’s fingers tangle in his hair as they had their fourth, their fifth and their sixth. They finally broke when Taiga chuckled, his heart giddy as Hokuto pulled away with Taiga’s palm following down the back of his ear.

“Thank you, Hokuto…”

Hokuto smiled as he whispered in the quiet. “You're welcome…”

“Shall we finish the movie?”

Taiga nodded, letting Hokuto help him back up. “Let's.”

After they finished the movie and Hokuto placed his apartment key in Taiga’s hand and the doorway, they said their goodbyes before they had their seventh.

Taiga didn't think he could be any happier.

Their relationship was just a month down the road and it had been nothing but bliss.

The two of them had reached such a comfortable pattern where at least two to three days a week, Taiga came over to share Hokuto’s home. Whoever arrived first would prepare dinner and the second prepared the bath before they shared the bed together for a peaceful sleep.

This week they had found the time to take a weekend trip to Osaka to see the aquarium. After Taiga had shown interest in seeing a whale shark after one appeared in a show they watched, Hokuto booked train tickets and a hotel for them to see it together.

It was beautiful and peaceful. Everything was dyed in a soothing blue color with the calm wave like music playing from the speakers as Taiga stood in front of the large glass window. He watched the large marine animal drift and swim in the large tank with other fish and ray drifting about it.

It was calm and serene.

But it wasn't the ocean it came from.

In the ocean, there were waves. There was turbulence and predators and things that hid in the dark. There was the unexpected. The unknown. The natural uncertainty and chaos that the world brought.

Inside this tank, everything was safe. It was perfect. All the life inside would live out their natural lifespan without a single worry.

But it wasn't real.

“Taiga?”

Taiga flinched when Hokuto appeared beside him, calling his name.

Hokuto had switched to using his first name a while ago when they were in private, though he was still too embarrassed to say it when at work.

Hokuto smiled as Taiga laughed his surprise off before handing him the soft serve ice cream that resembled the speckled whale shark inside the tank. “I lost you for a second. I didn't expect you to wander so far.”

“I'm sorry…”

“No, it's okay. I knew I'd find you eventually, though when I called you earlier, you didn't respond,” Hokuto said.

“... Is something on your mind?...”

Taiga looked back into the tank as he bit into his dessert.

When he leaned into Hokuto, Hokuto leaned back, letting them both quietly watch the calm waters and the fish swim by.

“... No… it's nothing.”

“Everything is perfect.”

Perfect.

Everything was perfect.

But was it because they were perfect together?

Or was it because the love potion made it so?

Taiga was happy. He was beyond happy.

But as the days passed by, a guilt was slowly consuming him from the inside.

As Hokuto fell asleep before him with his arms around his waist, Taiga stared at his chest wondering if everything inside was truly real.

Hokuto loved him, and he loved him unconditionally almost to a fault. He never got mad, he always apologized first and took the blame even when it was completely Taiga’s fault.

When Taiga forgot to hang up the laundry, it was Hokuto’s fault for not reminding him. When Taiga didn't dry his umbrella properly before coming in, it was his fault for making him come over when it rained. When Taiga overslept and completely missed their movie reservation, Hokuto didn't take his sorrys and only gave him a smile.

“It's okay. I shouldn’t have asked to see a movie when you're not sleeping well. That's my mistake. I'm sorry.”

There was nothing Taiga could do wrong. Maybe that would make some people happy and it surely would have made Taiga happy too, but all he could see was the blood on his hands.

The love potion.

Hokuto didn't love him unconditionally because it was him.

He loved him unconditionally because the potion told him to.

Even the strongest couples got into fights. It didn't even have to be heated and heavy arguments, just tiffs and meaningless banter because they existed as two different people. He and Hokuto didn't have that. Any complaints or comments Taiga might have had were corrected quickly with a sorry and a smile before they moved on like it never happened.

It made Taiga wonder if Hokuto even saw the person in front of him, if it even mattered if it was him or not. If it had been someone else who gave him that love potion, Hokuto would be holding them at night, telling them the same sweet things about the shape of their eyes or the color of their lips.

Before him, Hokuto had someone he liked. He could remember his face when he searched for her at the party, the face of quiet longing. The person he sought must have been a woman with soft skin and gentle curves any man would fall for. She had to be beautiful. She could only have been beautiful if Hokuto was in love with her.

Whoever she was, Taiga couldn't help but feel jealous. Whoever she was, Hokuto fell for her with his own heart and his own feelings. Not through whatever false veil the potion had thrown over his eyes for Hokuto to look at him.

Sometimes he thought maybe the real Hokuto was still somewhere inside of him. Maybe the real Hokuto was screaming at the walls of the cage he was locked in while his body kissed the persistent man who spoke to him every morning. Maybe it was gross to hear his own voice tell him sweet words.

Maybe on the inside while Taiga saw his smile, this was torture as he held a person he didn't love.

Taiga shut his eyes tightly before burying his face into Hokuto’s chest. He could hear his heart beating steadily in his sleep.

He wanted to listen to his heartbeat forever.

But deep inside, Taiga knew it didn't belong to him.

Taiga:

I'm going home to my place tonight.

Hokuto:

Okay.

Hokuto:

I’ll miss you.

Hokuto:

Is everything alright?

Taiga sighed as he walked along the dark city street alone, the tips of his thumbs illuminated by the keyboard on his screen while he typed his reply.

Taiga:

Everything is perfect. Don't worry.

Taiga:

I'll be there tomorrow.

Without looking at the response, Taiga locked the screen and hid his phone in his pocket.

He had been going to Hokuto’s home less. But that didn't mean he didn't want to go. On the contrary, there was nowhere Taiga wanted to be more.

He wanted to be at Hokuto’s side, in his home, in his arms, in his love. He wanted to eat his food and sleep in his bed, but lately he just couldn't.

He couldn't when none of it felt real.

It had almost been two months since they had been together. Deep inside, Taiga wanted to celebrate it, but it just felt like two months that he had robbed Hokuto of his life.

The other night, Hokuto had kissed him while in bed. Of course, Taiga kissed him back but when Hokuto’s hands began to travel, Taiga pushed him away.

He told him sorry and that he was tired and wanted to sleep, but as always, Hokuto shook his head and apologized gently. He said sorry for doing something so suddenly and for doing it without asking before wrapping him in his arms to sleep.

It wasn't that Taiga didn't want to sleep with Hokuto.

He just couldn't get out of his mind the real Hokuto locked inside of him that would have certainly found it disgusting.

The real Hokuto that never spoke to him. The real Hokuto who never looked at him. The real Hokuto who only smiled at his close friends. The real Hokuto who left him alone at the bar.

The real Hokuto that Taiga quietly fell in love with.

“... I wish I could take it all back…”

As his thoughts became words from his mouth, the familiar scent of incense mingling with tobacco met his nose.

It was like the shop came to meet him.

It seemed to arrive at his feet without notice until he looked up from his phone to find the red paneled doors before him again.

It greeted him warmly like an old friend with the soft golden lights illuminating the entrance.

Taiga opened the door and walked in without another thought.

“So you're back, are you?”

The woman's voice reached him even before he got to the end of the hall where she sat. The equally elaborate robe she wore was different, but held the same long slender smoking pipe in her fingers.

She smiled at him, parting the gold tip from her mouth and letting the smoke pour from lips as she spoke.

“You don't look happy.”

Taiga’s fist tightened around the handle of his briefcase. He wanted to yell and scream and say that this was all her fault, but he knew that if this had been a gun, she had only provided the rifle. It was him who pulled the trigger.

His lips flattened wordlessly as she crossed her long legs, leaning over her lap while taking another drag from her pipe. “You've figured it out, haven't you?”

“That boy. His love isn't real. You realize that now.”

Taiga opened his mouth.

“You said it was a love potion–”

“I did and I didn't lie,” she quickly quipped back. “It was indeed a love potion, I just never told you how it worked.”

Her long robe dragged across the floor as she stood to approach one of her many cluttered antique tables. Taiga could only hear the clinking of glass as his eyes remained glued to his own feet. The guilt made him unable to raise his head.

Everything he felt had only been confirmed by her words.

It was all fake.

It was all his fault.

He had done something terrible and it was all because he couldn't handle a little heartbreak.

“You know, you're not the first person I've ever given a love potion to,” the woman said, her bare feet sliding across the elaborate carpet. “I've given the exact same potion to many people.”

When a small vial was tapped against his chest, Taiga finally looked up to see her red lips form a smile.

“But you are one of the few who came back.”

The vial was a deep amber color with a cork top.

The instructions were the same as before. He must drink the whole thing, not leaving a drop.

“If the boy drinks this, the spell will break.”

“... Will he remember anything?” he asked.

The woman laughed, smoke flowing from the corners of her smile.

“Not a single second.”

Hokuto wouldn't remember anything, she explained.

The last two months with him would turn into a blur just like the insignificant passing days in someone's life. The person Taiga spent his days and nights with would disappear as simply as he arrived at his desk that first day.

The Hokuto that loved him would be gone, but the Hokuto he fell in love with would be back.

There was no question that Taiga would take it. The woman even said that there was no fee to be paid as Taiga had already paid his price by coming back. He left with another bottle in his hand and a heart just as conflicted as the first time he walked out of that smoke filled shop.

He loved Hokuto.

He loved him so much.

There wasn't a single person in the world he’d rather be with.

Hokuto made him happy in ways he didn't know he could be happy. He made him understand how precious it was to know the warmth of someone else's skin and to have someone treasure him as much as he did. Hokuto gave him a love he didn't have and a romance that came straight out of stories. Taiga loved him with everything in his heart.

But that's all it was.

It was just a fairytale made with magic.

Taiga gave himself one more week.

For just one more week, Hokuto would love him.

He made sure to cherish every moment. He loved every smile, every text, every call, every time he said his name. He treasured every hug and every kiss and exchange of ‘I love you’ because soon enough, it would be the last.

The days had never gone by faster and every morning came so much sooner. Every morning he fell asleep and woke up in Hokuto’s arms, he wished the night could have been just one hour longer.

Sometimes he told himself that one more week wouldn't hurt. That it was okay if Hokuto loved him for just one more week.

But Taiga knew himself better than that.

Just one more week would become two. And just two more weeks would be three.

It had to end this week or he wasn't sure he would be brave enough to ever let go and he had to let go. Not for the love he would lose, but the love he should have never had.

When he asked Hokuto to spend the whole weekend with him, he didn't hesitate to agree. He even smiled, excited for the time they would spend together.

“Do you want to do anything? Go out anywhere?” Hokuto asked, letting Taiga lean against him as they prepared their breakfast.

Taiga shook his head as he watched Hokuto spread the jam over the bread he asked for instead of rice.

“No.”

“I just want to spend it with you.”

From morning until night, they spent every second at each other's side. Even if it was just time spent checking whatever was on their phones, they did it together as if stuck together like glue.

Any couple would have found it annoying to find themselves lacking personal space, but Hokuto welcomed Taiga into it. He smiled and looped him into his arms as Taiga curled up into him as the time passed by. Every second, Taiga used it to remember his scent and his touch, even the way his fingers felt between his.

They made lunch and ordered dinner. Hokuto insisted on paying but Taiga refused.

“Let me pay as an apology.”

Hokuto just laughed. “Apology for what?... You didn't do anything wrong, did you?”

Taiga couldn’t help but smile a little before confirming the order on his screen.

“For this weekend. For being such a troublesome boyfriend.”

Hokuto brushed back his hair and pressed a kiss to his temple.

“Not at all. I should thank you for wanting to spend time with me.”

I want to spend forever with you.

Taiga wished he could have said that, but he wasn't sure if he could handle hearing Hokuto say that he wanted forever with him too.

The rest of the night was spent watching a movie. Taiga had tried to insist that Hokuto pick for once but was only refused over and over with him saying “I want to watch what Taiga wants to watch.”

Eventually, Taiga gave in and picked a movie. He sat down beside Hokuto as Hokuto stared at the monitor in surprise.

It was an older foreign film about an unfulfilled romance with heavy tones.

“I didn't know you liked this kind of movie.”

Taiga didn't.

It was a movie he had heard Hokuto speak to Juri about a long time ago, before these last couple months. Back then, Taiga would have watched anything with Hokuto if it just meant spending time with him.

For the whole time they had been together, Hokuto had made their whole relationship about him.

For the last night, Taiga wanted to pretend he was with him. Not the person he made him be.

When Hokuto cried during the last scene, Taiga dried his eyes.

The moment Hokuto got into bed, Taiga clung to him. Hokuto chuckled as Taiga’s limbs wrapped around him, pulling him under the sheets. He let Hokuto bundle him up, folding him in the soft blankets and his arms as they sank into his bed.

“What's with you?” Hokuto smiled as Taiga buried his head under his chin. “You're being so clingy today…”

“Is everything okay?”

Taiga closed his eyes as he let himself be wrapped in everything he had come to know as Hokuto scent, his soap, his detergent and his warm skin.

“Everything is fine…” Taiga said, his grip tightening around him. “Everything is perfect.”

“I just love you so much.”

Taiga could hear the soft breath from Hokuto’s chest as he sighed.

“I love you too.”

“I love you so much, Taiga.”

It was so hard not to cry.

Each hour into the night was another hour closer to the end. To when Hokuto would never hold him. To when Hokuto would no longer kiss him. To when Hokuto would no longer call him by his name.

Every part of him didn't want to let go but he knew he had to.

Hokuto had given him so much happiness.

It wasn't fair that he had stolen it from the person he wanted to give it to.

After Hokuto fell asleep, Taiga stayed awake.

In the dark, with only the light of the moon, he memorized every feature on Hokuto’s face he'd soon never be able to see up close.

He traced the shape of his eyes and the length of his eyelashes before following the gentle arch of his brow. He took in the perfect angle of his nose and moles around his lips that decorated them like stars.

He took each piece and locked them up deep in his heart where he would keep what would soon only be memories.

Hokuto woke up alone in his bed the next morning.

It was unusual as Taiga was usually the one to sleep in, but the smell of breakfast coming from outside the door drew him from his warm covers.

“Well, this is a nice surprise…”

Taiga turned away from the stove to see Hokuto leaving his bedroom. He was already out of his pajamas and in his loungewear as he entered the kitchen.

“You're up early,” he said while Taiga left the stove to fetch coffee cups for both of them.

Hokuto usually drank his coffee with only a bit of sugar while Taiga only found it bearable if the bitter drink was nearly white and sweet enough to melt teeth. It made Hokuto smile a bit seeing the heavy contrasts to the two cups Taiga held in his hands before taking the one that was clearly meant for him.

“I felt a little restless so I decided to get up,” Taiga said.

“I hope you don't mind that I went ahead and made breakfast. It's nothing special but…”

Taiga trailed off as Hokuto brushed back his bangs to leave a kiss on his crown.

“That's okay.”

“I'm happy to eat anything your hands make.”

They both sat down to enjoy their simple breakfast. Taiga had used the leftover soup from the day before to pair with a fried egg and a side of toast. They ate as they talked casually in the quiet morning.

Hokuto sipped his coffee as he split his egg in half, the yellow yolk pouring from the middle.

“Oh, you know the movie yesterday?”

“Mn? What about it?”

“It was incredible, wasn't it?”

Taiga had learned Hokuto became long winded when it came to the things he loved.

He would talk forever about the jacket he found at a new vintage store or the actor he had admired forever. He could talk on and on as the love didn't seem to stop pouring from his heart. The movie from yesterday was no different. He went on about the wonderfully shot scenes and the plot that left people wondering. He talked with such enthusiasm as his passion went on.

It really was cute.

Taiga just smiled and nodded, looking at the bottom of his cup of over-sweetened coffee.

“You really loved it, huh?”

Hokuto blinked before he laughed, his cheeks turning pink.

“I guess I did.”

Taiga took their dishes and put them into the sink to wash.

Despite Hokuto insisting that it could be done later, Taiga went on, saying that it was better to do them today than to wait for tomorrow. The water filled the empty coffee cups before Taiga filled them with soap and washed the bitter taste away.

After the plates and cups were left to dry, Hokuto helped Taiga collect his things. His spare clothes, his pajamas, his toothbrush and whatever he had left behind were zipped up into his bag.

When he raised his head, Taiga found Hokuto’s soft smile and his hand to bring him to his feet.

“I thought you would stay until the evening, at least…” Hokuto said as he helped Taiga up from his bag.

“... I'm sorry…”

“No, it's okay,” Hokuto gently kissed his cheek and Taiga squeezed his palm.

“Hey... Hokuto, you know I–”

“There will always be tomorrow.”

Everything inside Taiga wanted him to agree.

He wanted to nod and smile and say their time apart would be short knowing a tomorrow with them tomorrow still came.

He still wanted to come back tomorrow.

He still wanted to be loved by Hokuto tomorrow.

His fingers tightened around Hokuto’s as the words came spilling from his mouth before he could stop them.

Taiga couldn't even bring himself to lie when he could feel the empty vial sitting at the bottom of his pocket.

“... There won't be a tomorrow…”

“... Huh?”

Of course, Hokuto was confused. Taiga expected the shock in Hokuto’s eyes, but that didn't mean it burned in his chest any less.

His voice was so gentle as he started to plead with him.

“... Taiga… What do you mean?...” he asked.

“... Are you breaking up with me?”

“Did I do something wrong?...”

Taiga clenched his jaw as Hokuto’s hand slipped away from his.

“No… No, you didn't do anything wrong—”

No, Hokuto never did anything wrong. He was perfect in every way.

“Then please tell me why, Taiga…”

His desperate begging in his tone made every part of him feel cold.

“Please… Whatever I did, I'm sorry… It's my fault. If you just tell me I won't do it again, I promise. I swear—”

“Hokuto, I already said you didn't do anything wrong—”

“Then tell me how I can fix this!!”

Hokuto had never raised his voice at him before. Taiga didn't think he ever would. It made him flinch as Hokuto grabbed his arm, but he still couldn't bring himself to meet Hokuto’s pressing gaze.

“Please, Taiga– I'll do anything! Just tell me what I can do–!! What happened?? Do you just not love me anymore–?!”

“No, I do! I just—”

“Then why–??”

“Because you were never supposed to love me!!!!!”

The room went silent.

All that could be heard were the remains of heavy breaths from heated words.

Damnit…

Why couldn't he have just let it be a peaceful morning?...

He just wanted to let Hokuto go like nothing had ever happened so that the next morning wouldn't be as painful. He wanted it to wash by like a pleasant wave that he could keep as a treasured memory that came and passed with time.

He didn't want it to end like this.

“... Taiga.”

Hokuto’s voice was painfully soft.

“I–”

“I love you.”

Taiga shook his head.

“... No.”

“You don't.”

“I made you love me.”

The bottle rolled in the palm of Taiga’s hand.

The amber glass gleamed in the morning sun as it was held out between them.

“... I made you drink a potion that made you fall in love with me,” Taiga said, with both of them looking down at the vial.

“Before that potion, you didn't even speak to me.”

Taiga gave a half hearted laugh. “Hell… You wouldn't even look at me… With that potion, I forced you to love me. All the feelings you have are just thanks to that drink.”

“... Taiga…”

“I’m sorry, Hokuto… I did something terrible to you.”

“I'm sorry for making you love me.”

“Taiga—”

Their eyes finally met when Hokuto took his face into his hands. And when Hokuto kissed him, Taiga didn't hesitate to kiss him back.

Despite everything, Taiga still loved him. Even when everything was made of smoke and mirrors, he knew at least how much he loved Hokuto was still real.

He loved him as their lips parted and Hokuto held his cheeks in his hands like something precious. He loved the deep tone of his voice he had always wished his own voice could be.

He would always love him.

“Taiga… I love you. I know I love you…” Hokuto spoke quietly. “This isn't by some drink or whatever, this is how I really feel.”

Taiga knew he would miss the warmth of Hokuto’s hands.

He just hadn't realized how quickly he would miss it when he pulled them away from his cheeks.

“It's not.”

Hokuto’s now empty hands clenched into fists. “But it is, Taiga! I know it is!”

“Then tell me, Hokuto!” Taiga bit back.

“What do you even love about me?!”

Taiga wasn't sure who it hurt more.

If it was Hokuto who couldn't say anything or if it was him who was left staring at him with an open mouth empty of words. He could see Hokuto’s mind searching and his eyes flickering, trying to find anything to say but coming back with only desperation.

When Taiga asked him about the things Hokuto loved, Hokuto went on forever.

He would talk with a shine in his eyes that Taiga found so endearing as he talked on and on about this and that and that and this. About what exactly caught his eye and what moment he fell in love. About what moved him and what made it important in his life.

Hokuto could talk long enough his idle rambling could be made into short essays.

But for him.

For him, Hokuto was only able to stutter out one word.

“... Everything…”

“... I love everything about you.”

Taiga could only give him a weak smile.

“... Everything?...”

Love was imperfect.

Real love was imperfect.

It had its flaws and its blemishes. It was riddled with insecurity and jealous feelings that made it all messy and bitter, but what came of all of that at the end was love.

There wasn't a single day when Taiga ever claimed to be perfect. He was messy and selfish and took up annoying new hobbies that filled his home with clutter.

Surely, the Hokuto with a neat and tidy home would have hated it.

Surely, the Hokuto who didn't speak to him would have despised it.

“... There's no way you would love everything…”

Saying he loved everything was good as saying he loved nothing at all.

“Hokuto…” Taiga spoke, the empty vial still in his hand. “I put the potion to reverse everything in your drink.”

“Tomorrow, you won't remember anything.”

“Everything will be back to the way it was supposed to be.”

Hokuto just looked at him with a mix of disbelief and despair before calling his name again.

He stepped towards him as Taiga stepped back.

“T-Taiga… Taiga, I—”

With the next step, he stumbled forward, falling into Taiga’s arms.

His head had suddenly turned heavy and the room had begun to spin around him. There was a loud pounding in his head that was only growing stronger with each beat as a numbness was pulsing through his veins.

Taiga held him as Hokuto’s body began to shake and his fingers clutched and dug into his clothes.

By the time he was able to lead Hokuto to the couch and lay him down, when their eyes met again, Hokuto’s were full of tears.

“Taiga… Please…” His voice a desperate whisper.

“I don't want to forget…”

“I don't want to forget you…”

“Please, don't leave me…”

Taiga bit the inside of his lip hard enough for it to bleed.

“... I'm sorry…”

Hokuto shook his head, his tears rolling off his cheeks as Taiga lowered him onto the couch, his eyes slowly losing focus.

“Please, Taiga…

His fingers came loose from Taiga clothes to weakly hold his face to which Taiga took and pressed against his cheek.

He nuzzled it gently as he felt Hokuto’s thumb brush gently under his eye.

“Taiga… I love you. I love you more than anything in the world.”

“Please believe me…”

“... I love you.”

Hokuto’s eyes gently closed as Taiga leaned in, letting their lips carefully align as they kissed.

It was careful and soft as their first and lingered as long as their second.

And when Taiga pulled away, Hokuto’s eyes didn't open.

His hand left his cheek and fell loosely onto his own chest in a deep sleep.

Taiga forced his tugging lips into a smile as he carefully brushed away the last of Hokuto’s tears.

“... I love you too, Hokuto.”

Several hours later, Hokuto blinked awake.

He found himself in his dark living room as he raised himself from the couch.

The sun had already set long ago. It was quiet with only the sound of his ticking wall clock as he sat there alone.

How much time had passed? He must have just lost track of the lazy weekend hours and carelessly let the sun disappear without knowing.

It was just like any other day.

But something about today felt quieter than usual.

The clock continued to tick, counting the passing seconds and the day he wasted went by.

“Huh?”

He touched his cheek.

“... Why am I crying?”

When he withdrew his hand, he found the pads of his fingers wet from tears.

He didn't understand why they were there and how they started, but they wouldn't stop.

The tears fell, wetting his shirt and his lap as he looked around his unlit room.

Nothing explained them.

All he found was his spare key laying in the center of his kitchen table.

The drolling sound of quiet voices and ringing of office phones were the same as they were every morning.

Hokuto watched the mindless text of social media swipe by on his phone as the elevator took him to his floor.

He would get his coffee from the break room before going to his desk as he did most mornings. Maybe he'd add the whole pack of sugar this time since his body felt particularly heavy when he woke up.

He let out a sigh as the doors opened, leading him down the hallway.

“...”

But on the other hand, maybe he should skip the coffee today.

He didn't have enough energy to deal with it again today. For just one morning, he didn't want to have to think about it.

Maybe, he'd be lucky. He was a little early to the office today so maybe it wouldn't happen, but luck laughed in his face when he saw blonde hair step out of the break room doorway he was heading towards.

Hokuto bit the inside of his cheek and turned to look the other way.

Today, like all the others, would be the same as usual.

He walked, looking at the dull grey trim of the office wall waiting for it to come and pass.

“Good morning, Hokuto.”

His feet stuttered to a stop.

There was the morning greeting he expected.

But it wasn't the gentle tone he had anticipated.

When he looked up, he found the light and airy voice that had spoken to him came from the smiling face of his female coworker. His surprise made him stammer and stumble over his words as he lowered his head and returned the greeting he planned to keep inside.

“G-good morning…”

Turning around, he found the person he had seen had passed by without a word. His light hair was tucked neatly behind his ear with his usual coffee that always smelled sickeningly sweet whenever he was nearby with it in his hand.

He silently grew further away as Hokuto watched his narrow back grow more distant. His coworker peered past him, joining Hokuto in watching him disappear behind a corner.

He had always seemed to linger so close.

All of a sudden, he felt so far away.

“... I’m sorry, did you need to say something to Kyomoto?”

Hokuto whipped back, finding the surprised face of his cohort. Immediately he laughed awkwardly and waved his hand.

“Uh–... No…”

“No… There's nothing at all…”

The day Taiga left, he made sure to erase himself from Hokuto’s life.

He took everything of his and packed it tightly in his bag and used the password Hokuto shared with him on his phone to delete their texts and his number. He even made sure to comb through his photos to remove any evidence that they were once together, even if it was just the food they made together or the sunset they shared. Everything was erased so Hokuto wouldn't know. So he could return to the life he was supposed to have.

He made sure to take the key Hokuto gave him off his keyring and leave it behind in the home he would never return to before he left for the last time.

He didn't want Hokuto to remember. He didn't want him to remember a relationship he never wanted to be in. Taiga could only imagine how horrible and violating it would be to know that your body was in love with someone you didn't want to think twice about.

Though those days for Taiga were a blessing.

For just a moment in his long life, he got to live a brief life where his love was mutual.

For a brief moment, he got to have nights where he fell asleep in his arms and was told goodnight.

That moment he would remember forever, but it would be the memory that allowed him to let go.

He would move on even if it meant never really moving on.

He would be happy with ever having him for at least a moment, because otherwise, he would've only ever had him in dreams.

The days went back to normal. Taiga woke up alone and fell asleep alone. He worked in silence and returned to a cold home with only the dark to greet him. As he opened the convenience store food he bought on the long walk home, he didn't mourn. He couldn't bring himself to mourn when this was the way things were supposed to be.

Hokuto was never meant to love him. He was never meant to know how he sounded when he welcomed his loved one home.

This was how it was meant to be, life without having Hokuto’s love. There was no purpose in chasing a dream that wouldn't come true.

Taiga didn't look for him anymore. He didn't say good morning and didn't follow his eyes, hoping that one of these mornings, he would gaze back.

He stopped grasping at the straws that were never really there to start.

Taiga let go.

And as the days went by, nothing changed.

The days repeated over and over as they once did. Simple and boring as they always were.

The warm days were finally beginning to cool and Taiga’s breath was once again visible in the morning air. He shivered as he waited for the elevator to arrive, the office lobby melting away the chill on his skin.

“Hey.”

Taiga recognized the relaxed voice from behind him, not needing to see over his shoulder to know who it was, though it was rare for him to arrive so early.

The man let out a long yawn as he came up and stood beside him, his hands tucked stiffly in his suit pockets with his shoulders crunched to fight the cold.

“Good morning,” Taiga said, seeing the vague shape of Juri beside him in the brushed metal of the elevator door. “You're early.”

“What are you talking about, I'm always early.”

“You must mean the opposite, don't you?”

Juri chuckled a little as the doors opened.

“I'm always on time. You just don't see me.”

Taiga leaned back against the handrail as Juri tapped the button of their floor.

“Now that I say that, I feel like I haven't seen you around much either,” Juri said, checking his watch. “You’ve been busy lately. We haven't grabbed dinner in a while now.”

“Is something going on?”

Taiga hummed.

He had turned down Juri only a few times, but only a few was enough for his friend to notice.

There wasn't exactly something going on, per say. There just really wasn't any good way to say that he was suddenly dating their mutual coworker who was known to ignore him.

It didn't really matter now, though.

“No, not really.”

Whatever was going on before was gone now.

“I just wanted to spend some time at home…”

“Stressed?”

“I guess.”

“Lack of sleep?”

“Maybe.”

The elevator pinged and they both walked through, Taiga following Juri from behind.

“Well, what about now?” Juri asked as he turned around to face him, walking backwards on the way to their office. “Do you have time to hang out now?”

More than Taiga would have liked.

“Yeah.”

“How about on Friday?”

Spending time with Juri couldn't hurt.

“Sure.”

“Drinks?”

“Yeah.”

“What about drinks at the office dinner?”

“...”

Taiga hadn't even realized that it was around that time of month for the regular “team building” at the bar.

He had honestly lost track of it. He had completely ignored it the last couple months because he had a very good reason not to go. If he had wanted drinks, he didn't have to go to a bar to not drink alone.

Hokuto would go with him to the convenience store near his apartment to pick up some alcohol to bring home together. Even if Hokuto didn't really like alcohol, he would drink whatever to give Taiga’s buzz some company though he wasn't good with it.

Instead of sitting at a noisy bar, he got to watch Hokuto’s cheeks grow red and his smile grow sloppy when he grinned at him with weighted eyes.

Taiga would have chosen those days twenty times over having to find another excuse for why he didn't want to give out his phone number. Now, he didn't have that other option anymore.

It was either go to the bar and drink, or return to his home alone.

“Fine.”

Juri blinked.

“Huh? Really?”

Taiga sighed, stopping at the point their paths diverged.

“Yeah, really.”

“Well, great! There are some new guys here that have been wanting to meet you,” Juri patted his shoulder. “Honestly, I thought you'd put up a bigger fight.”

Taiga just sighed.

“I just don't have a reason to say no.”

After all, returning to an empty home drunk was much better than returning to an empty home sober.

The bar was rowdy as ever.

Drinks were flowing and the usual suspects were going around, making sure glasses stayed full and tongues stayed loose.

As Taiga sat in his usual spot and took some foam off the top of his beer, he heard the sudden increase in volume in the group's collective rambling from behind him.

“You came! I thought we had scared you away!”

“Welcome back! I hope you stick around this time!”

“Hey! Thanks for coming! There's people who've been waiting to talk to you!”

“Ah–... Thanks.”

… So he came back.

Once again, he came back to the bar with his eyes wandering around the room, looking for someone.

Taiga turned back around to look down the barrel of his drink. He watched small bubbles in the thick foam slowly burst one by one before kicking the glass down, draining half into his stomach.

He was looking for her.

He was looking for the person he sought the first time he came, the person he wanted to know better. The person he’d drink the alcohol he was weak to just for a chance to exchange a word or two.

This time, Taiga wouldn't get in his way. Whatever Hokuto came here to do wasn't any of his business.

This was how it was supposed to be.

Taiga did what he came for and drank. His first beer became two before quickly becoming three. Both his male and female coworkers came to take the seat Juri left absent to talk, but the conversation never lasted long when they realized Taiga's main goal was not to socialize, leaving him sitting alone.

Every so often his ears filtered out all the chatter to listen to that familiar quiet voice.

It was so distant, but his memories filled in the fine details of his tone.

It had been so close, once. Back when it was sweet and soft as he spoke only to him.

Taiga didn't refuse when Juri came to fill up his glass again.

Whatever happened to him after, he deserved.

“...”

“... K–...”

“Ky—-”

Taiga thought he had heard something.

Perhaps his drunken brain was only playing tricks on him when all he found behind him were a handful of guys dragging Hokuto down to sit at their table.

Taiga returned to his drink as the gaggle of drunken men began to noisily heckle and tease the boy who “finally decided to come out of his shell” and “come out of his hole to say hello”.

“So, Matsumura,” one of them said.

“You like someone here, don't you?”

Taiga’s lip parted from his glass while the men laughed and cheered.

“Come on! What's with that face?! You can tell us, we won't say anything!”

“We all know, so just say it!”

“Tell us, Matsumura!”

“I—...”

“Y–... Yes.”

The men erupted with cheers, one of them bumping into Taiga’s back, pushing him into his table, as he rose to his knees in excitement.

They were loud with elation, but as Taiga stared into his empty glass, the world suddenly went silent.

… He knew.

He knew, but…

He had let him go, but—---...

The buzz Taiga had been building was gone.

All that was left was the pounding in his head and the sick feeling in his stomach.

It took everything in him to stave off the stinging in his eyes.

“Hey, so what do you like about her, huh?” the men asked.

“If Matsumura likes her she must be pretty.”

“She must be one of the quiet girls, right? Unless your tastes are surprisingly opposite–”

“Does she have big boobs??”

“Hey! Don't be so crass!!”

Taiga stood up, nearly stumbling against the wall as he grabbed his jacket and briefcase to shove under his arm.

He didn't want to hear anymore.

He didn't want to listen.

His brain was too inebriated to filter out the voice he wanted to hear every morning and every night.

“So what is it, Matsumura?”

He didn't want to hear what Hokuto loved about her.

He didn't want to know the things about her that he didn't have.

He didn't want to hear him talk about her in the same way he talked about his favorite books and movies, where the list of things was never ending.

Taiga just wanted to move on and was trying to move on.

But that didn't mean hearing the truth to the question Hokuto couldn't answer about him wasn't any less painful.

The sound of more cheering and laughter from the table followed him as Taiga opened the bar door.

He didn't look back as it shut behind him, closing him off from the following remarks the men made to Hokuto’s answer.

Hokuto watched the door close as the men shook his shoulders and refilled his glass.

His coworkers teased him.

“You're in deep aren't you??”

“There's no way!”

But Hokuto had answered truthfully.

When he thought about the person he loved, he didn't think there was any other answer.

His mind simply went blank when all he could think of was how it made him feel.

Being near them made his pulse rise and his throat seal shut. It made his hands go cold and everything he hated about himself he only hated more.

He didn't know how to answer with colorful words when all he knew was that he loved him.

That was all it was.

“Everything…”

“I love everything.”